Tuesday, 2 March 2010
It’s not everyday I meet someone who changes my life…
Today for example, I met no-one. I sat inside all day and played video games. My favourite being one where I get to be this army tough guy who goes on a mission and along the way gets betrayed and then has to shoot some people, oh wait, that’s EVERY GAME on the market. Take Mario Kart for example, all you do is shoot people in a different way, like with shells or something. It’s. Still. Shooting.
And I love it! Why change a good formula? Look at politics, it’s all been brilliant for years, no problems with our government so why would we vote? We wouldn’t we don’t! We are the video game generation, think of those valuable minutes you could be spending on level 6 taking down that evil, meany who threatens democracy… why would you go out and vote when you could be saving democracy? Everyone has a vote, make it count. Take dog lover Tobias, my good friend, he says that all he ever wants is to see a world without fear, hate, crime, cruelty etc etc. Now, by playing video games all day, he sure is doing a good job, although unlike me, he does it everyday, he doesn’t even think about getting a job. He’s such a solid guy. A real gent. I don’t hate him at all.
I was browsing the store the other day when I stumbled across this book, “Bitch, aint nothing but a ME thing”, it caught my eye. Not because I’m a bitch and I felt like I was being spoken to. Or because I enjoyed the reductionism/ self orientated nature of it all. But because of the position on the shelf: it was prime. It was as though this store wanted me to buy it, “we know you will love this shit.” I don’t often shop in petrol stores, but this one had something unique – a total misunderstanding of me. It somehow thought I gave a damn about this book, yet it shoved it right in my throat. By the door, above the magazines, and one at the checkout.
Of course I picked up a copy, it was telling me to do so, but did I like it? No. Did I read it? Well, no, but I read enough. I even saw another title by the same author, some sort of metaphor for sexual abuse about avoiding rip offs. I think this guy is some sort of housing market guru, I looked at some of his other titles on Wikipedia, he had ‘Sort you ass out’, ‘Buy, sell, buy, smell’, and one coming this fall called something like ‘If it feels good, let it’. I’m still buying petrol from the store, but I don’t think I’ll be filling my brain tank with any more of this guys work. You know of any punchy book titles?
Monday, 1 March 2010
So I was at this party the other week, not the type I’d go to pick up chicks or boast to my pals about. But the type I go to when I have nothing better to do, no one better to see, no one of use to speak to. That sort of thing. It was for Cynthia’s birthday, she was turning 43, but you’d never guess it, she looks like she could be anywhere between 22 and 28, or maybe them added together.She looks pretty old, I mean, lots of people look old for their age but this girl looks so old, she is like a beautiful wrinkle, and she always gets the guy. Somehow, she got me. I ended up spending the night with her, just lying there questioning her, “how do you look so youthful?”, “why are you still single?”, “what’s a cheap taxi company?”. She was a great host, she had all the facilities in working order. I hate it when people don’t have a light switch in the toilet, that seems to be the most common mistake, or problem should I say, it’s like, half the chicks I meet have broken lamp switches. Maybe they are saving money or something, not to say I like poor chicks. Anyway, hope you are having a great day.
The worlds biggest pizza is eleven metres wide, sound big? No, it’s not. Because the world’s biggest pizza wasn’t even circular, it was rectangular… so how long do you think it was? Well, if you have a guess now I’ll go on to explain it. Guessed yet? Stop for a second, don’t worry I’ll still be here. Not going anywhere. Okay so, the world’s biggest pizza was 11 metres wide, but even longer in length, it was in fact 38 metres long! Can you even imagine that?! I struggle, it’s the equivalent of seven Michael Jordans lined up, each with a basketball on their heads. That is big. No, THAT IS BIIIIG!
So yeah, "BIG deal" I hear you squeel. "What’s that got to do with why I downloaded this blog’s iPhone app" (You’ve got to get it if you don’t already)? I’ll tell you, I decided to recreate this pizza, I actually not only matched it, but made a bigger one!!!! I actually made a bigger pizza than the former world record holder’s pizza’s topping quantity. His only had cheese and tomato, but mine had anchovies, cheese, cucumber, tomatoe and crust! So I made a bigger ingredient list, I win? Yep. I suck? Yeah I guess, but not in a “let’s go to jail and you be my Cindy” way.
There’s a pipe outside my office. It’s strange because it actually always only drains clear water. I mean, I expect a hint of orange, yellow, or transparent brown. Maybe sweetcorn. Maybe a few carrots, oh wait I’m mixing my organs. But still at least a little bit of colour would add to the effect.